No amount of Strength can Hold a Fragile Heart
by princessblair
Summary: Petra thinks of the times she feels she should have cried but didn't.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters- only the plot, sad to say.

A/N: Well, I've been writing a lot of depressing fics lately and unfortunately this is one of them. Nevertheless I hope you guys enjoy anyway! Please review (even if you're just cursing me for hurting Petra so much! LOL)

* * *

Petra Ral considers herself a strong girl. She supposes that her emotional stability and her physical condition made her consider why she could make such a bold statement. She thinks that being in the Special Operations Squad that was handpicked by Lance Corporal Levi can attest to her true strength. That and the fact that she's still alive and breathing even when she has faced a handful of titans and can live to tell the tale.

So imagine her surprise that at the present time, she is sobbing, blubbering, and incoherently crying out as if a titan had grabbed her heart out and left her alive.

* * *

She wasn't crying because of the time her father had unintentionally alienated her friends because of his protective nature. She understood why he felt the need to do that. She knew that in his heart, he cared too much for his daughter and in turn he had scolded all the little boys she had been playing with saying that she was far too young to have a little boyfriend. She supposes she had been a little bit mad, but in all fairness she tried her best to remain impassive about it; in retaliation though, she had signed up for the Legion to break free from her father's protectiveness. She had understood.

* * *

She wasn't crying because of the pain she felt during the time she was training. She believes that the physical pain you feel is a symbol of one more step towards humanity's freedom, so she bites back every whimper that attempts to escape her soft lips. She also wants to prove that being female, she doesn't need to be looked down upon; any male exercise she can perform as well, _hell_ even surpassing some of her male batch mates which earned their respect. So, at that time; she felt the throb of physical pain.

* * *

She wasn't crying because on their training's expedition almost half of her newly formed friendship had gone in a flash. She saw with her own eyes how titan's devoured the people she used to be laughing with, joking with and just mere _minutes_ ago, she was fighting with. She sees blood splattered everywhere, her face wasn't spared at all; bones breaking-that you can almost hear the snaps of joins being torn apart- and the scream for help. Going back from that expedition had hardened her heart, not to the point that she couldn't feel, _no,_ but to the point that she felt numb with overwhelming sadness and grief- she couldn't make herself cry. She looks to her left; the friend that she had just made 5 days ago was now probably in a place safer than where she is now. At least, that what Petra tells herself.

* * *

She wasn't crying because she felt happy when Lance Corporal Levi himself asked her to join his squad. Of course she knew already what their purpose was and who he was- Levi was her idol after all. She had jumped at the opportunity, _mind you_, in the most professional jump she could muster. She couldn't stop the glint in her eyes though, the hope that she could help humanity in taking down these walls and free everyone. She knew that she was exceptionally good in fighting, she was one of the top in her class after all; but she had never understood the extent to how much. So, that night she had dreamt of freedom and hope, but the most prominent of her dream is Lance Corporal Levi and that permanent scowl he seems to wear. She thinks she has a little _unnecessary_ crush on him.

* * *

She wasn't crying because of the near death experience she had endured countless of times in the hands of the titans. Of course, her squad and Corporal Levi were always there to save her. She couldn't be more grateful for those times. She thinks that the loneliness she has been feeling for a while had attributed as to why suddenly-right after another expedition- she slammed her Corporal against the wall and kissed him senseless. It wasn't one that was brought upon love, but instead, the desperation to be held close and be reminded that there is such thing as human _warmth_. After disentangling herself from Levi, she realized, no one in the Legion had the luxury of time and love. So that night she vowed never to love Levi.

She didn't cry when she realized her silly little promise was broken after sleeping with Levi at least five times. You can't really blame her; they way he would whisper softly in her ear that he would protect her; the way that he would be so gentle with her. _Tch_ her heart really didn't stand a chance. She would watch him with barely secretive glances. She notices the way he would disregard everyone in a cold menacing stare, but she knew deep inside the amount of care he would give to his comrades and subordinates and most especially – much to her delight, her.- She smiles in thought.

* * *

She isn't crying because she is deeply annoyed when she realizes Levi changed when the 104th's top ten had joined their squad. She wasn't annoyed at them, _per se_; but the fact that she noticed Levi beginning to change. No, actually, he wasn't totally taken by all of them. She observes with contempt how he watches the newest recruit with a barely contained glance (_not the glower that he would throw towards other soldiers)_ not unlike the ones that she gives him most of the time. The first time she knew her name, _Mikasa Ackerman_; she vehemently denied that that girl would even spare a time of the day to Levi seeing how visibly taken she was with the Eren boy. Back then, she refused to think she was wrong.

* * *

She didn't cry when Levi refused to sleep with her anymore. She just felt rejected and numb, like the time most of her friends had died. She still followed him with her eyes though and the way he would especially train Mikasa under the pretense of making her stronger. She knew his reasons; he wanted to be closer to her. She supposes at that time, she still didn't want to accept the truth. After all, if you break apart the two strongest soldiers, what would humanity live on for? They are the humanities hope- the one that she would always dream about. Except that… Well, she surely prayed that she would be Levi's side when the humans won.

* * *

She didn't cry when Levi got drunk, he had sex with her and cried out someone else's name. They were mourning the death of their comrades that had died during the 57th expedition. With Levi being Levi, of course he blamed himself for the deaths he didn't even need to save- they had sacrificed their lives in order to see what's beyond walls after all. He had gotten drunk and Erwin had Petra bring him up his room (mind you, she is very familiar with it) before he breaks another chair in his guilt rage. She stumbles just a little bit- he slurs some haphazardly thrown together words and she lets out a little giggle -of the absurdity of the situation- amidst the angst in the air. When they reach his room she wipes his face with a wet wash cloth and he proceeds to attack her lips, which she doesn't refuse, instead she let him use her that night. '_Even for one more night' _She thinks.

Levi didn't give any indication that he remembers the night before and Petra still thinks its okay. She still believes that in his heart she has a special place in it.

* * *

Those moments were like a dam that entered her memory-she desperately racks her brain-_'when was the last time I cried?'_. She doesn't remember it. But the moment that she saw Mikasa Ackerman with a simple gold band on her finger, Petra Ral knew she would lose to her tears this time.


End file.
